Last year, I published a post which generated more heartfelt response and introspection than any I’d published previously. In that post, I posed a question I’d been pondering for some time. That is, do we accept the love we think we deserve? Or, rather, do we settle for what we’re given knowing, all the while, we deserve more?

I wrote I believe, for many of us, it’s the latter.

Following that post, I received a score of emails which led to some truly genuine and eye-opening conversations. One of those emails came from Brad W. from Pittsburgh, PA.

So much of what Brad wrote resonated so deeply. In his first email to me, he said he’d been thinking about the question I’d posed, and this is what he said:

“It’s definitely the latter. I’m still trying to figure out how I let myself get there.”

Sadly, this is a place where so many of us find ourselves. We look around one day and realize the life we’re living does not resemble the life we had envisioned.

When Brad wrote to me, he and his wife had been married for twenty-one years. They had two kids, a son in middle school and a daughter in high school. Brad said for a long time things weren’t great, but they were “okay”, until one day they weren’t. His wife said something to him that changed everything. He remembers he was angry about something that he admits was “probably stupid”, and she made a comment to him that he was angry all the time. That, at first, made him even more angry, but, after stewing for a few days, he finally admitted to himself that she was right. He was always angry.

“Almost nothing made me happy anymore.”

Brad and his wife went back to couples’ therapy. At first, he refused, but she persisted, and he finally gave in, which, he said, was nothing new.

“I always gave in.”

But this, Brad said, would be a turning point and the best decision he didn’t make. Before long, he realized something he’d known all along but had been reluctant to examine. He was unhappy about so many things that he’d never said anything about. In an effort to keep the peace, for years, he’d kept his disquiet to himself.

“At first, it was little things like what movie to see, or what restaurant to go to, even the clothes I should buy. But I went along because I wanted her to be happy.”

But soon, the kids came along and the little things grew into big things. There were decisions to be made about moving to a new town, whether or not to take a promotion, moving again to change school districts, decisions about birthdays, youth sports, braces, practices and piano lessons, sleepovers and vacations and holidays and colleges, and all the wheres, whats, whens, and hows of raising a family, having a career, a marriage, a life, and the truth of it was, he really didn’t have a hand in any of it.

“I was basically a bystander in my own life.”

Brad’s story is one so many of us can relate to. So often, we get to a place where we feel we’ve lost control over our own life. And I have to wonder, how do we get there?

Truly authentic relationships require honest and open communication. But even in the best of relationships, our views and visions don’t always align. Compromise is the way we make it all work. And it does work when both parties are committed to achieving goals with mutual consideration and respect. We give and we receive, and it all balances out, and, yes, sometimes we even give in. Sacrifice is something we’re happy to do when it’s something we do for each other.

But what happens when all of that changes? What happens when one begins to compromise more than the other? When disagreement means conflict is sure to ensue, and one party feels unheard and unable to communicate their needs, opinions, and desires?

Often, for a while, we tell ourself it’s okay, and maybe it is. That is, until it happens again and again and becomes a pattern, and one day we look around and find we’re afraid to speak up or speak out, or disagree, or rock the boat. So, instead, we learn to keep our ideas and our disquiet to ourself, and, after a while, it becomes a given that we will always give in.

It seems so many of us are wired to avoid conflict, so much so that we’re willing to forego our own peace of mind in order to keep the peace.

Maybe, it’s because we believe, or have been told, that selfless love means we should continually sacrifice ourself in order to make others happy.

I’m a firm believer that loving someone means we desire their happiness and well-being as much as our own. But it would seem so many of us have forgotten that this also applies to us. We’ve learned to ignore our feelings and our frustration at the expense of our own well-being, and we’ve forgotten we are worthy and deserving of the same love and respect and consideration we so readily give away.

Perhaps, what we need to understand is that loving another does not mean foregoing a healthy sense of self-worth. In fact, just the opposite is true. Love, I believe, is contingent upon a healthy sense of self. Loving selflessly and unconditionally means both parties feel free to be their true and authentic selves and are able to communicate their views and visions and needs and desires, knowing they will be loved and accepted.

Perhaps, we’ve come to confuse the idea of self love with selfishness, and the idea of selfless love with sacrificing ourself for another. So many of us have the notion we’re supposed to martyr and sacrifice ourself to show love to another. But there is no person whose opinions, thoughts, or desires carry more weight or deserve more consideration, or whose life is of more value than ours. And loving selflessly does not mean giving up everything that makes us who we are and all we desire in order to make another happy. There is no true and authentic love that would require that of us.

The truth, I think, is that we are supposed to want to live our very best life, and we should want the same for each other, even when our needs and desires don’t align. Maybe, especially, when they don’t align. But for those of us who prefer to avoid conflict and would rather give up and give in, this is something we easily forget. And, sadly, there are many who are just the opposite, who welcome, and even create, discord in order to get what

In our home, The Greatest Kid On The Planet is contemplating a new adventure that is quickly approaching. It seems like only yesterday when I was writing about his first day of middle school, and, just a short time ago, we celebrated his last. He’s officially a high school freshman now, and I can barely type those words. Where did the years go? So many are asking this same question as our children begin preparing for what lies ahead, even while holding tightly to the quickly passing days of summer.

For so many of us, after a year marked by loss and uncertainty, life is slowly returning to normal, and we are heading into the second half of this year with a sense of relief and anticipation. But, for others of us, nothing is the same anymore. The new year brought about changes and challenges we weren’t anticipating much less prepared for, and we find ourselves feeling lost and wondering where to begin.

It’s a question I’ve heard from so many since the beginning of the year. How do you start over when everything looks different?

These are the things I have been pondering over the last several weeks as I’ve found myself doing something I’ve done before. I’m packing and purging. I’m wondering through my house putting things into boxes, some that will go with us and some that will go to charity and Goodwill and other places, and it all feels so familiar. I’ve done this many times before, and the last time wasn’t so many years ago.

If you’ve been following along throughout the years, then you know The Greatest Kid finds his passion on the football field and has since he was eight years old. His love for that game has never waned. It’s only grown along with him. He has a vision for himself in his mind, and it’s one he sees clearly, and it has taken us down many roads and to so many places. And it is that vision that is, again, leading us to a new place away from where we are now.

Now, as I wrap up and pack away the things I had placed around my home with such certainty, the only thing I am certain of is that change is inevitable. The years bring unexpected twists and turns that can throw us for a loop and, sometimes, leave us feeling without direction, trying to navigate through unforeseen territory.

It’s that unforeseen territory in the years ahead that I find myself contemplating now. It’s true we’re moving just a short distance up the road, but it might as well be a hundred miles for all of the familiarity we’re leaving behind. Or maybe it’s that sense of certainty that feels like it’s falling away. The Greatest Kid will still be close to friends and the things and people he knows and loves, but, for me, I find myself trying to form a new vision of a future that suddenly looks different again.

This, I find, is where so many of us lose our way. It’s a simple question with what should be an easy answer. What does the future look like? Yet, it’s anything but simple when everything has changed, when it means leaving behind everything we thought we knew about where we thought we were headed.

And this, so often, is where we get stuck. Life has taught us to be cautious. We overthink and over analyze, and we weigh the pros and cons, so much so that we shy away from anything that feels unfamiliar. Change isn’t something we welcome, much less embrace.

Perhaps, over time, we’ve lost something we started out with. For years, I’ve said the same thing to my kid. If you can see it, you can be it, you just have to believe it. I’ve repeated those words over and over at every chance I could get because I don’t want The Greatest Kid to ever give up on himself.

These are the things we say to our children because we want them to succeed and do great things and know they can accomplish whatever they desire. But as I’ve been pondering this next move and the years ahead, I’ve begun to wonder, how often do we take our own words to heart?

Do we find in ourselves the same courage, the same fearlessness, that we want so badly to impress upon our children? And do we talk to ourselves in the same way we encourage our aspiring youth? Or do we censor the things we say to ourselves?

Do we tell our children to dream big and reach for the stars and then chide ourselves for day dreaming? Do we encourage our kids to be all they can be and never settle for less and then tell ourselves to get our head out of the clouds?

Do we tell our children to believe in themselves and go for the gold and then tell ourselves to stop wishing, stop wanting, stop dreaming too big because the good stuff, the really big stuff, is only meant for other people?

Over the years, I’ve encouraged The Greatest Kid to believe in himself and to reach for his dreams even as I’ve felt the weight of anxiety tug at my own. And now here we are, and I’m watching him step into his future with a confidence and assuredness in what he wants and the vision he has for himself that I sometimes wish was contagious.

But even so, I know leaving behind what is familiar can be especially hard when you’re young. A short while ago, I wondered if he was ready, or if he was worried or afraid, or uncertain. But when I asked how he was feeling about all that lie ahead of us, The Greatest Kid looked at me and said, “Old keys can’t open new doors.”

Years ago, I wrote about how The Greatest Kid has spent his life playing a game of “catch me”. And, throughout the years, not much has changed. He is still reaching, still believing, and still running, and I am still standing on the sidelines watching in wonder and learning lessons from my kid.

Here in the South, the summer heat will continue for months to come until, finally, a shift in the wind and the weather will usher in a new season. But even now, it feels as if we are already counting down the days. We closed on our new home at the beginning of June, and I’ve been moving things slowly and will continue throughout what’s left of our summer break. The Greatest Kid is having one of the best vacations ever, filled with friends and fun and summer joy. But he has also been working hard. And in a matter of weeks, he will be back on the football field doing what he loves most, only he will be wearing the red and black of a new vision he has for his future, instead of the maroon and grey we thought he would wear.

Over the past weeks, I’ve been conversing with a great guy named Geoff. Geoff lives in the Northeast, in one of those wintery, cold weather places. When I first heard from Geoff, he told me he’d read my post from last summer about opening new doors. To me, last summer seems like forever ago for all that has transpired since. But I do remember writing those words and where I was when I wrote them. The Greatest Kid and I were at the beginning of a new adventure.

Geoff told me he’s read that post over and over, and he keeps coming back to something I said. Last summer, I wrote that I believe we’re supposed to keep moving, and that, sometimes, the place we thought we would stay is really just another step toward where we’re supposed to go. I also said I’ve come to believe the Universe knows better than I do where I’m supposed to be.

Geoff, like me, believes the Universe brings you guidance when you ask for it. I was intrigued and inspired hearing about his faith and conviction that answers always come when he needs them, and they always lead him in the right direction. This, Geoff said, is why he has believed for a long time that he would find a way out of his current circumstance to a place of peace and happiness.

Geoff, like so many of us at times, has found himself in a place he’s struggling to navigate. It would seem everything in his life is out of order, and, even though he’s been asking for guidance, the answers haven’t come.

“I always tell myself to be patient and wait for it, but I’ve been waiting a really long time.”

For Geoff, the previous years have brought a myriad of changes, a new job, a new house, and new responsibilities. They all seemed like logical choices, and, at times, it was what was expected of him. But with each one, he felt he was moving further away from where he really wanted to be. And now, Geoff says, he feels stuck. The years have gone by and left him feeling discontented, and, sometimes, downright unhappy.

I think many of us find ourselves in that same place. We make what seems like the reasonable choice, and we ignore the feeling in our gut telling us it’s not the right one. Some of us spend years, even a good part of our lives, trying to ignore that feeling of discontent. We wind up going through our days feeling unhappy, and we begin to wonder why God hasn’t answered our prayers, or why the Universe won’t send us a sign, or why good thoughts don’t bring good things like people tell us to believe.

For Geoff, the years passed by and brought him more questions than answers. The only thing he was sure of was that he was moving in the wrong direction.

“I know what I want and this isn’t it, but I don’t know what to do to change it. And I don’t know what the Universe is trying to tell me. What am I missing?”

That is a question I’ve asked myself many times. But I wonder if, sometimes, we don’t see what’s in front of us because we’re waiting for what we think the answer should be.

What if the answer has been with us all along?